Reclaim a New Narrative

For years I’ve been struggling (I hate how often I use this word) to stay focused and dedicated to this space even though it is something I enjoy spending my time and energy in curating. When I first started this blog in 2014 I didn’t know what I was doing. I was very lost and in search of an outlet; somewhere to openly and freely express myself. Throughout life, my interest has always centered around all forms of creative work. Whether it was my love for music which triggered me to join the band in middle school and partake in dance classes or when I would draw Disney characters on my free time because I wanted to get better at drawing. I always had a love for creating and partaking in these types of work. Somewhere along the line, I started to compare myself to others and those things that once brought me joy became areas for ridicule. In the beginning, it was very innocent and hard to make out. They were disguised by the subtle limiting comments I told myself such as “I will never be as good as her” or “why am I not that talented?” Suddenly without notice, those subtle comments became my personal beliefs. When something started off being difficult it somehow translated to “I’m not good enough and never will be.”

This blog was supposed to be a place for me to escape those limiting belief, a refuge of sorts. At some point, my refuge became another place to draw comparisons with myself and others. The loop I can’t escape as I so eloquently put it. My pursuits to make something out of nothing has been reduced to a source of disappointment. It is not to say that I don’t recognize the value behind what I’m trying to do here or what I’ve accomplished thus far, the problem is I’ve become aware that my drive shifted from creating a space where my creative voice could thrive to getting attention and seeking approval from others. It is no longer rooted in a genuine place, therefore, it’s no wonder why this has been challenging. I started this to do something different from the norm but got beside myself and started exhibiting behaviors I dislike in others. I’ve succumbed to the thirst for fame via social media stardom. I’ve attempted to define myself based on the likes of others. I’ve neglected self-building and personal fulfillment and replaced that with gaining followers and a longing for heart-shaped approval ratings.

The hunt for attention; I am tired of this.

I am tired of comparing myself to everyone else.

I am tired of feeling like I don’t measure up to others

I am tired of living my life based on limiting beliefs.

I am tired of my vocabulary being filled with phrases such as I want to… I never… I wish… I don’t have…I’m trying to…one day…

For these reasons, I decided to take a break (yes another one) from all social media outlets, and this time for a long while (6 months to a year for now). Social media hasn’t been a healthy space for me and my personal growth. Though I enjoy being up to date with the latest news and trends around the world, I feel overwhelming levels of anxiety to keep up with everyone and present myself in a “likable” manner. There is an underlying pressure to stay active and promote yourself in order to get noticed. I don’t want to expel the bulk of my time trying to promote something that I’m still getting my grasp around. It’s not conducive to the growth I’m seeking to find in my personal life. The focus it takes to build a social following is energy I would much rather redirect to what truly matters to me which is honing my creative voice and building a platform that is engaging, honest, and stems from an authentic place.

I’m taking this break to get me back aligned with my WHY. I want to help others but first I must help myself. I am still growing and learning and this blog has helped me do that in so many ways. I can’t jeopardize the stability of my growth by being influenced by forces out of my control. I have to protect my mental health and keep this practice sustainable and healthy and that means being mindful of stress-producing areas that need to be removed whether permanently or temporarily.

I am reclaiming a new narrative, one the is rooted in putting my personal needs first. If this space is to become what I envision it to be, the focus needs to be re-shifted and that starts with me. I don’t know if this change will yield the results I’m looking but I’m confident that it will. This is one of many steps in rebuilding myself from the ground up.