It’s been some time, I know, and I apologize for the brief absence. I wish I was coming to you with an update of smooth sailing but work is behind and delayed. Things with the shop are moving very, very, very, slowly; so slow that I haven’t designed anything nor made any decisions of how to pull everything together. I feel like at the beginning of the year I was riding that high of wanting to get things done and taking life in strides, but shortly after, doubt, fear and uncertainty caught up to me and the enthusiasm I strongly held onto was replaced with confusion. I started resisting doing the work I want to do. Essentially the first month of the year was a wave of dealing with anxiety over how much I want to get done and how much I need to learn.
The update: I still have a lot to learn and my anxiety…is unwavering.
I have a list of designs to bring to life but my fear is literally holding me back from starting. “What if it’s not good? What if no one likes it? This idea is dumb. What’s the point? Am I capable of being successful? Is this a waste of time?”
I thought putting together my fear list and stating that which I already knew would help but so far, it’s still a challenge for me to take the leap. Though I’m further along in my wellness journey and have let go of some limiting beliefs, I am afraid and I am stuck.
Being a self-made boss requires a certain level of self-confidence and self-belief; two things I’m working to establish within myself. Since I don’t have a creative team or someone to bounce ideas off, I experience a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s the reason why I’m still stuck in-between diving head first towards my creative goals and staying on the sidelines being a spectator.
Another problem I continue to have is putting too much on my plate at once. I begin self-sabotaging by doing less important tasks ahead of the more important ones. Procrastination and leaving things to the tomorrow-that-never-seems-to-arrive is my favorite form of self-sabotage. Granted, giving myself 3 months to create, design and open an online store was a bit overzealous, but at the time I was indeed up for the challenge. In all honesty, I underestimated the amount of time it would take to adequately hand letter my designs, digitize, photograph/stylize, learn social media and online marketing while keeping up with a weekly blogging schedule. I understand how stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed overcame me.
So far, the month of February has been a time of care and tending to what I truly need. I took a week off work and did a solo road trip to Florida, stopping in various cities along the way to visit longtime friends. Being around people I love always boost my spirits up like nothing else. During this time off, I reread my “What to Expect in 2019” post to remind myself of its purpose and what I want to accomplish this year. I also sat back and really looked at what I want to do with my life and rededicated myself to my passion project of 2019. By staying on course, I can put to rest some of this endless mind chatter I experience on a daily.
My primary focus for the moment is building myself up today for a better tomorrow. I am continuing the work of being present and focusing more on the here and now; spending my days doing important tasks first versus building up resistance.
There is still time left between now and my intended March deadline to open the store. I plan on keeping the original opening date and do believe I can make it work by making small adjustments. The hardest part about anything is simply starting and I feel that once I get over the threshold of officially opening the store, I can then begin working on other logistics such as marketing, shipping, low-impact packaging, and learning the ins and outs of owning an online business.
It’s difficult not worrying about tomorrow or the unknown but constantly focusing on all the what if’s leaves me paralyzed and stuck in this state of inaction. I don’t want my hardships with mental health to continue to hold me back, therefore I must keep up the work of pushing past my comfort zone. There won’t be a point where I have everything figured out and I won’t find answers if I don’t at least try. The work continues.
Till next week fellow curious creative.